Decider Skills
Helping children understand and manage their emotions
What are Decider Skills?
Decider Skills are a collection of practical strategies designed to help children recognise, understand and manage their emotions. Children can experience lots of different feelings during the school day and at home, including worry, frustration, anger, sadness and excitement. Sometimes these feelings can become very strong and children may find it difficult to know what to do. Decider Skills gives children a toolbox of simple strategies they can use to help them pause, think and choose how to respond. The programme draws upon ideas from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). These approaches help us understand the connection between our thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
What do children learn?
Through Decider Skills, children learn that having difficult or uncomfortable emotions is a normal part of life. The aim is not to stop children experiencing these feelings, but to help them develop positive ways of managing them.
Children are encouraged to:
- recognise and name different emotions;
- notice how emotions feel in their body;
- recognise thoughts that may be affecting how they feel;
- pause before reacting;
- use calming and coping strategies;
- think about situations from a different perspective;
- make positive choices about what to do next;
- communicate their feelings and needs;
- solve problems more effectively;
- develop resilience when things do not go as planned.
How can Decider Skills help?
Regularly practising the skills can support children to become more confident in managing everyday challenges. They can be particularly useful when a child is:
Feeling worried or nxious?
These skills can help children slow their thoughts down, focus on what is happening now and think about what they can control.
Feeling angry or frustrated?
Children can learn to recognise the early signs that their emotions are becoming stronger and use a strategy before reacting impulsively.
Feeling upset or disappointed?
Decider Skills can help children tolerate uncomfortable feelings and understand that difficult emotions will eventually pass.
Having difficulties with friendships?
Some skills encourage children to think about another person’s point of view, communicate clearly and consider the consequences of their actions.
Feeling overwhelmed?
Children learn simple techniques that can help them pause, regulate themselves and decide what might help next.
An important message for children
One of the most important things we teach children is: All feelings are OK – but we can choose what we do with them. Feeling angry does not make somebody a bad person. Feeling worried does not mean something bad will happen. Feeling sad does not mean we will always feel sad. Instead, children learn to notice the feeling, recognise what might be happening and choose a helpful strategy.
Why do we practise the skills when children are calm?
Just like learning to swim, ride a bike or learn multiplication facts, emotional regulation skills need practice. It is much harder to learn a new strategy when we are already extremely upset or angry. Therefore, children practise Decider Skills when they are calm so that the strategies become familiar and are easier to remember when they really need them. Different strategies will work for different children, and part of the programme involves children discovering which skills work best for them.
Supporting children with SEND
Decider Skills can also support children with special educational needs and disabilities (SEND). With the right support, the skills may help children recognise feelings, communicate their needs and find ways to manage difficult emotions. Adaptations might include:
- pictures and visual reminders;
- short activities with simple instructions;
- repetition and extra thinking time;
- practising alongside a trusted adult.
Every child is different, so we work with families to find approaches that help their child. The skills sit alongside any other support and adjustments they need. When children feel overwhelmed, they may need comfort, space and a calm adult before they can use a strategy. We practise when children are calm to help the skills become familiar.
How can parents and carers help?
Parents and carers can make a big difference by encouraging children to use the same strategies outside school.
You might:
- ask your child which Decider Skills they have been learning;
- encourage them to explain or demonstrate a skill to you;
- remind them of a skill when you notice they are beginning to become upset;
- praise them when they try to manage a difficult emotion positively;
- talk openly about emotions at home;
- model your own emotional regulation, for example, “I’m getting frustrated, so I’m going to take a moment and think before I respond.”
Rather than waiting until emotions have become overwhelming, it can be helpful to ask:
“Which Decider Skill might help you right now?”
Over time, the aim is for children to begin asking themselves this question and independently choosing a strategy.
Decider Skills are not about stopping emotions
Children sometimes believe that being emotionally strong means never feeling worried, angry or upset. Decider Skills teaches the opposite. Being emotionally resilient means being able to notice difficult emotions, cope with them safely and continue moving forward. Our aim is to help children develop a toolkit of strategies that they can continue to use as they grow older – at school, at home and in everyday life.
Pause • Notice • Choose • Respond
By helping children understand their emotions and giving them practical ways to manage them, we can support them to become increasingly resilient, reflective and confident in dealing with life’s challenges.
